Natasha Wright

How to Leave

Take a deep breath.  Tell yourself that you’ve had enough (repeat if necessary).  Convince yourself that you don’t even love him anymore.  Try to believe it.  Count the beer cans around the apartment.  Turn up the heat since there’s none left between the two of you, eliminating one reason to hold on to him.  Look at him…look for someone you recognize and feel more certain of your decision when you find nothing.  Kiss him one last time.  Enjoy the kiss.  Notice that his breath tastes like rum so that you don’t enjoy the kiss too much.  Don’t think about that spring afternoon on the rooftop of his old apartment.  Don’t think about Christmas Eve.  Don’t look at his eyes.  Tell him you’re leaving.  Tell him that it’s too hard to feel alone when you are with someone than when you really are alone.  Try not to listen to his explanations, try not to fall back into the hole that you are crawling out of…remember that there is nothing at the bottom but darkness.  Leave quickly; you’ll pick up your belongings later.  Cry.  Cry so that when you turn around to end the pain, you can’t see where to run back to.