Ethan Naro

My Purity

Well, well, well, not quite hell, but it’s what I asked for, the creature I made. The beast I always wanted to be. Painful metamorphoses locked in darkness. The creation of a man that is not quite human, but not entirely animal. Always before I fed on anger and bitterness, filling, brimming, and seething, hurt by the minor trivialities of daily life. Longing to be free of the new world of mans modern age. Dreaming endlessly of a life somewhere else, of finding a home somewhere less crowded.

                It seemed more and more as though things would never change, as though every day brought with its golden dawn a new catastrophe. Each day spent tending the same mindless habits, I became increasingly more self loathing and despondent. The idea that I was incapable of being useful or productive seemed a truth I could not escape. Everything annoyed me. I hated ceaselessly all the things my sloth denied me.

I hated what I had become, a beggar, a parasite, riding the waves of charity with the false gratitude of a true hypocrite. My life had become false and disgusting, bits of stolen cash, overpriced dope, and the occasional midnights run to nothing. All built on a series of lies and false indignation.

                The thought that is of truest torment is that I chose this. It was me that created these predicaments.

I wish I knew for sure how mom lays her pain aside, and moves along with the work at hand. I imagine it is some sort of mental callous, a way in which over exposure to pain has created some sort of indifference. Yet there is no indifference, mom cares more deeply and completely than any other. She knows and tolerates so much in the name of caring, and it is my greatest shame to have brought her so much pain.

                But even if things were to change, what should I do then? The past is immutable, except of course within the bounds of our perceptions. What matter is it what we choose to remember? Yesterday is gone and nothing will undo what has passed. So it’s time to stop living in yesterday, build for tomorrow, and let the callous grow.